Insights.

Some times they just hit you. Some times they grown during time. And some times they get thrown in your face by a great insightful friend. Either way they show up and some times they are good and some times they are not so good. Like realising that you're not very happy at all with you life situation. A situation you thought were just fine. But the worst thing to hit me to day was the reminder of the lost of belief in my self. The lost of belief in my competence. How did that happen and when? I was not like this in Sweden. I was high performing and very confident about my academic and work related abilities. Then I moved here and I blossomed with my social abilities. Did that have anything to do with it? It sounds ridiculous saying that you can't have them both. I know that I'm good at a lot of things. But I don't know what the things I'm good at are good for. Or in which interesting way they could be useful. I feel stuck, useless and worthless. And I knew that I felt this way. I felt it earlier this year. I felt it with a restlessness and an urge for change. But I told myself that it was natural. That this is growing up. That this is leaving the student life behind and entering the working world. And others helped me see my life this way and I covered all these feelings up and I hid them away. And today they all came rushing back. And I don't really believe the things I said today. I believe the things you said. I believe I can finish my thesis and I believe that I can change my life and be happy about all parts of it. I just can't say the words at the moment.