Japanese girl.

I'm "japanese girl" on Skype these days. It started on a really bad day when I felt like the world was coming down on my head and I couldn't see how anything would work out at all. I saw unemployment waiting for me around the corner and the work load for finishing my thesis was an overwhelming pile that felt like it could never be worked through. But failure is not an option. The work is one thing. Unemployment is not failure. And I will find something, I know that. But my thesis. It has to be finished. To not finish it is a failure that does not excist in my world. I have discussed my thesis and how to manage to finish it with my mum a lot of times. At one point, in the early summer I think, she asked me why I didn't just drop it? Did I really have to finish it? I could still get a degree within the program and at the university I want to. It would be a bachelor instead of a magister, but still. For none swedes information I might add that in Sweden it doesn't matter if you have a bachelor, magister or master when you look for a job. All you need is a degree from a university, so a bachelor is quite enough. But back to the question, I started to give my mum a million of answers to why I have to finish it. And I ended up with the answer that I want to be able to work outside of Sweden and in other countries it is not enough with a bachelor. She agree that this is a good reason. But I think that she knows. She knows me well enough to know that even if that is one good reason, it is not the main reason. I have to finish the thesis because not doing so would be such be failure that I can not face it. I know this is stupid in a lot of ways. I don't how I have ended up with putting these high standards on myself. I have always done it and I am not the only one in my family that does it. The pressure of being good is never from the outside, it has always come from me. And I have at times practiced not to take things to seriously and to fail, at least a bit at things. Also my capioeria is a good part in this self development as I've written about before. But no matter how long I've come in this, it doesn't go away. And I'm starting to think it shouldn't. Being good is my drive, and trying to lower my demands might be a part of loosing my inspiration and drive in general. So I'm going to try to embrace it and revive it and to use it. Because it is a part of me. Every time I have an exam or a thesis for uni I feel inside that failure is not an option. Even all the times when I can not understand how I will manage to finish in time or write what I wount, not doing it is not an option. Failure would be to huge to disastrous and the only option would be harakiri. And since I will never take my own life, well then success is the only option left really.