Lost part 2.

I feel numb. And I've felt like this to long. My inspiration and joy when it come to work and career is long gone and it is bringing me down in ways I didn't expect. I'm not totally naive and stupid. I know that work is not always play and fun. And I know it is some times something you have to get done. But that should not be every day. You should not have only bad days and okay days at work. And you should not go to work feeling numb and careless about it. There should be days that going to work is a source of excitement. There should be a feeling inspiration that brings a drive for what you do and to do it better. And I was like this. I was driven and ambitious and hard working. But I lost it and it is scary. I don't know how to get it back. I don't know how to feel the inspiration and drive again, how to get it back. It scares me because I think it takes active actions and I'm out of energy. I've been not caring so long that I don't know what to care for any more. Some times there seems to be a light in the end of the tunnel, but it disappears before I'm sure it is there. The times I sense it I feel hope, but when it's gone I slide into despair to easily. And I look at my self when I'm in that place and I'm embarrassed to be connected to person. That person is not me and I don't know where she came from and how to get rid of that pathetic idiot. I need to take action. She needs to get the hell out of my life, because I don't want her here anymore. But I doubt my success. And it scares me.