Japanese girl.

I'm "japanese girl" on Skype these days. It started on a really bad day when I felt like the world was coming down on my head and I couldn't see how anything would work out at all. I saw unemployment waiting for me around the corner and the work load for finishing my thesis was an overwhelming pile that felt like it could never be worked through. But failure is not an option. The work is one thing. Unemployment is not failure. And I will find something, I know that. But my thesis. It has to be finished. To not finish it is a failure that does not excist in my world. I have discussed my thesis and how to manage to finish it with my mum a lot of times. At one point, in the early summer I think, she asked me why I didn't just drop it? Did I really have to finish it? I could still get a degree within the program and at the university I want to. It would be a bachelor instead of a magister, but still. For none swedes information I might add that in Sweden it doesn't matter if you have a bachelor, magister or master when you look for a job. All you need is a degree from a university, so a bachelor is quite enough. But back to the question, I started to give my mum a million of answers to why I have to finish it. And I ended up with the answer that I want to be able to work outside of Sweden and in other countries it is not enough with a bachelor. She agree that this is a good reason. But I think that she knows. She knows me well enough to know that even if that is one good reason, it is not the main reason. I have to finish the thesis because not doing so would be such be failure that I can not face it. I know this is stupid in a lot of ways. I don't how I have ended up with putting these high standards on myself. I have always done it and I am not the only one in my family that does it. The pressure of being good is never from the outside, it has always come from me. And I have at times practiced not to take things to seriously and to fail, at least a bit at things. Also my capioeria is a good part in this self development as I've written about before. But no matter how long I've come in this, it doesn't go away. And I'm starting to think it shouldn't. Being good is my drive, and trying to lower my demands might be a part of loosing my inspiration and drive in general. So I'm going to try to embrace it and revive it and to use it. Because it is a part of me. Every time I have an exam or a thesis for uni I feel inside that failure is not an option. Even all the times when I can not understand how I will manage to finish in time or write what I wount, not doing it is not an option. Failure would be to huge to disastrous and the only option would be harakiri. And since I will never take my own life, well then success is the only option left really.

Tänkvärt.

En mycket tänkvärd krönika som lätt gör att man sätter kaffet lite i vrångstrupen en dag som denna, efter all julklappshysteri precis utbytts mot reahysteri. Krönikan är från aftonbladet.se och originalet finner ni här.

(This entry is in swedish because it is a chronicle from a swedish paper that I want to share.)

Jag är ett lallande offer för köphetsen

Läs Per Bjurmans krönika från New York

NEW YORK. Dom trampade ihjäl Jdimytai Damour ute på Long Island.

För att det var rea på platt-tv.

God jul.

Redan timmarna innan black friday-rean – en årligen återkommande folkfest direkt efter thanksgiving – skulle starta var det trångt och oroligt utanför entrén till Wal-Mart-varuhuset i Valley Stream på Long Island utanför New York.

När öppning närmade sig, fem på morgonen, hade oron övergått i ren kalabalik. Trycket mot dörrarna var så stort att de till slut gav vika.

Butiksbiträdet Jdimytai Damour försökte hindra den veritabla buffelhjord som plötsligt vällde in i butiken, men slogs snabbt omkull. Sen rusade den flåsande, dreglande, vildögda pöbeln rätt över honom.

När krutröken lagt sig låg 34-åringen kvar på golvet.

Död.

Men kunderna hade förstås fått ett bra pris på platt-tv, parfymflaskor, tygnallar, digitalkameror och all annan skit man kan hitta på Wal-Mart.

Man borde vara förvånad, rent av chockad, men nertrampade butiksbiträden är förstås bara den yttersta konsekvensen i ett samhälle vars medborgare reducerats till blott konsumenter.

Kunder. Köpmaskiner.

Här babblas ständigt om Jesus och gud, men den enda religion amerikaner egentligen utövar stavas shopping. Varuhuset är kyrkan och det sedan länge övertrasserade kontokortet bibeln.

Så vadå om glaciärerna smälter, två krig pågår och ytterligare några familjer tvingas lämna sina hus i södra Kaliforniens Foreclosure Alley – låt mig bara köpa en ny skinnfåtölj på krita så är jag nöjd. Och budskapet uppifrån bidrar inte precis till avkylning.

Den amerikanske konsumentens köpkraft är som bekant själva motorn i världsekonomin, så när hela korthuset nu skakar går the powers that be ner på knä och bönfaller:

Fortsätt handla. Köp mer. Gå ut och shoppa. Please...

Det är för härligt.

Men look who’s talking.

Jag är själv ett av konsumtionssamhällets mest beredvilliga, lallande offer.

Jag har, till exempel, alla Sopranos-säsonger på dvd sedan tidigare. Men när serien nu sammanfattas i en fet, flashig complete-box så tycker jag naturligtvis att jag måste ha den också.

Den satte, lyckades jag intala mig, guldkant på den regniga, blåsiga julaftonen i New York.

Hemma hos Jdimytai Damours föräldrar var det antagligen inte fullt lika mysigt.

Per Bjurman

Anticipation.

I'm full of excitement and anticipation. After getting quite a lot back from my taxes in Sweden I finally decided to order the camera I've wanted for a long time. Now I just have to wait for the package to arrive (which will take way to many days...) and then I can play! :) So it's time to dig up the old stuff from the course I took, relieve my parents from keeping some of my materials and then get going with excursions! And this time I have interested and enthusiastic friends for company and inspiration. Yeay! Merry X-mas to me :)

And for my photo skills I would go with saying the same as for my pool skills. I'm not good, but I'm not terribly bad either. And I like it.

Christmas gifts.

I don't know how many articles I've seen during the last week with titles like "How to change your Christmas gifts - know your rights in the stores!" or "Christmas looser. Write and tell us about your worst gift!". It is shockingly depressing that the hysteria of Christmas has to be twisted even more by this kind of features. I mean come on! What happened to it is the thought behind it that matters? I know that there are so many families that are forced to make Christmas the peak of consuming to please their spoilt kids. And the spoiltness is not only the parents fault, even if they have a big part of it of course, but it is also the way our society is built up at the moment. But just because this is the way the world looks doesn't make it suck any less. I glad that my Christmas was relaxed, without the hysteria in any way. With some gifts that brought only joy. And still what made me most happy was the gift I didn't get, it was the thought of a gift from the person that I had not decided with whether or not to get one. That really made me smile. But sure, I'm a material girl in a material world so I also love my new silk cover.

Merry X-mas.

God Jul

to
all of you

from me;
the
crazy,
stupid,
hot,
lovely,
annoying,
smart,
funny
and swedish
girl

The day before the dipping day.

The day before Christmas eve. Tomorrow is the day. In Sweden we have the tradition of counting down to Christmas eve, which is the day that we celebrate, by counting towards the dipping day. It sounds totally absurd in English and honestly in my mind kinda kinky. But it has to do with both with historically practical reasons and old hedonistic traditions, the point is though that your dipping bread in a bouillon and eat it. And here endeth the history lesson.

The thing is that I'm a total x-mas sucker. I love it. But it's not the actual x-mas days that I love. They are nice enough but usually never as great as you feel they should be and they also mark the ending of all the nice things. Don't get me wrong. I like them. Especially this year will be nice and relaxed with my parents and my brother. And often of course it means some days of from work which is nice. But what I really love is the weeks up to x-mas, basically all of December. I love the lights in the city and all the preparations. I love the smell of all the candles at home and putting up the stars in the window. I love figuring out x-mas gifts for my loved ones (even though sometimes it's just a big frustration). I love the snow outside, which I'm used to for at least some parts of December, and the way it helps lighting everything up in these dark times. I love the stupid songs, the lucia celebration, the cookies and of course the glögg. I love taking up the decorations and putting them around the house. I love wrapping the gifts and making stupid rhymes for them. I don't know why I like all this stuff I just do.

And the peak of all of this is waking up on the morning of Christmas eve. I really love that. There's something in the air that morning. Of course as a kid I was so excited about the gifts in the afternoon and just waited all day for it. I used to wake up really early, since I couldn't sleep, and take my duvet and a book (usually something by Astrid LIndgren) and go in to the living room. There I saw the Christmas tree for the first time, my parents always brought it in and decorated it late the night before. I plugged in the lights and then I crawled in sort of behind it so I could sit on the floor with the radiator under the window towards my back, all wrapped in to my duvet and there I would sit, reading my book and smelling the tree until the rest of the family woke up. That moment is x-mas for me more than anything, and also the reason to why I love x-mas trees.

Tomorrow I will wake up to x-mas eve at my parents place. There will be a tree and some nice times. I will probably sleep the longest though so no books and duvets under the tree. And then I will go back home and in the end of the week I will gladly put all the x-mas stuff away and I will be so happy over having the apartment clean of all the stuff. Because I do love Christmas but I don't dwell in it. Enough is enough and there will always be another one next year.

Soon...

Long lost favourite.

Wild Child

Alone or lonely.

Second day totally alone. Today I at least went outside. Was forced to take a walk to the supermarket since I was running out of Coca Cola and toilet paper. Of course the seriousness is obvious. Stepping outside was weird. Okay I realise my patheticness. I am writing like it would be "my 133 day trapped on this desert island... utan snus försmäktar jag på denna ö..." But since thursday and friday I was totally hang over and dead tired and not really in contact with the people around me and since I up until a few hours ago hadn't showered since thursday night I sort of felt like the trapped on an island person. Alone, looking like shit and probably not smelling very good. Stepping outside made me realise a shower could be a good idea.

I don't know if there's a point to all this. Alone can be really nice. It is actually. To just go around at home on my own. Doing whatever I want without caring. And being able to focus on my work. All very good things. But being alone borders to being lonely. Or maybe I'm not lonely. Maybe I'm jsut envious of all my friends being away having loads of fun with friends and family and I'm stuck in cold Copenhagen and can't even step outside long enough to enjoy it since I have to stay inside and study. Yeah, that's probably it. That makes sense.

Those were the days.

Oh the wind whistles down
The cold dark street tonight
And the people they were dancing to the music vibe
And the boys chase the girls with the curls in their hair
While the shy tormented youth sit way over there
And the songs they get louder
Each one better than before

And you're singing the songs
Thinking this is the life
And you wake up in the morning and your head feels twice the size
Where you gonna go? Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna sleep tonight?
Where you gonna sleep tonight?

Time.

The way we perceive time is an interesting matter. The time it self is constant. The concept of time is of course an arbitrary agreement, but since the agreement is made, the concept is there and solid. But our perception of time is varying depending of many variables. I have 3 weeks coming up. 3 weeks in which I have to finish my thesis. In this perspective these 3 weeks are nothing. They are like a wink of an eye and it is stressing me out. It is also 3 weeks until I see my baby again. And from this point of view 3 weeks feels like an eternity. It is the same amount of time and even the same mind dealing with it, and still these oppositions rise. And I am reasonably sure that I'm not alone with this kind of thinking.

By the grace.

Hey girl,
you'll land it.
You've got supplies
if they demand it.
You've got the looks,
and the glamour,
Cut by the chisel
and beat by the hammer.

No one's gonna do it for you.

It's bound to be hard to be her
But it seems she's the best part of hell

Circle of salt in the candle light
Breaks softly in the breeze
The demons stayed back by the freezing night
Guilded dawn broke through with ease

You want it bad you want it oh so much
There are some things that you should know
Some things that someone like you just cannot touch

You weep and dwell on our loss
Stand denied by the nails in the cross
And I for one you for two
Knows no one's gonna do it for you

3 days.

I'm working my last day on Friday. After that I'm unemployed. It is not the biggest deal ever. I had to go because of changes in the company. I have got a lot of people telling me what a good job I've been doing and I will get some nice references. Even though the financial crisis is hitting Denmark is still a good market for job hunting. And soon I will have my swedish master degree. I am applying for a lot of jobs and also considering some other options. I am not worried that I will be without work for very long. And until then I have a-kasse and I always have a wonderful family to back me up. I would never stand alone in case of a big crisis. But still the words are fucking scary. Three days from now I will be unemployed.

Lost part 2.

I feel numb. And I've felt like this to long. My inspiration and joy when it come to work and career is long gone and it is bringing me down in ways I didn't expect. I'm not totally naive and stupid. I know that work is not always play and fun. And I know it is some times something you have to get done. But that should not be every day. You should not have only bad days and okay days at work. And you should not go to work feeling numb and careless about it. There should be days that going to work is a source of excitement. There should be a feeling inspiration that brings a drive for what you do and to do it better. And I was like this. I was driven and ambitious and hard working. But I lost it and it is scary. I don't know how to get it back. I don't know how to feel the inspiration and drive again, how to get it back. It scares me because I think it takes active actions and I'm out of energy. I've been not caring so long that I don't know what to care for any more. Some times there seems to be a light in the end of the tunnel, but it disappears before I'm sure it is there. The times I sense it I feel hope, but when it's gone I slide into despair to easily. And I look at my self when I'm in that place and I'm embarrassed to be connected to person. That person is not me and I don't know where she came from and how to get rid of that pathetic idiot. I need to take action. She needs to get the hell out of my life, because I don't want her here anymore. But I doubt my success. And it scares me.

Lost.

These days drift on
Inside a fog
It's thick and suffocating

How can I be lost,
If I've got nowhere to go?
Search for seas of gold
How come it's got so cold?

How can I be lost?
In remembrance I relive
And how can I blame you
When it's me I can't forgive?

The phone jungle. Possibly part 1.

I've been lucky. I've had a job that has paid for my phone. Great in so many ways obviously. And since my employment will end the last of December, so will this benefit. Fair enough. Hopefully I will find a new job soon and the paying of the phone bill is not the issue here. The issue is that I have to decide what phone company I want. And it's a crazy wild jungle. I took a first peak yesterday and ran of hiding very quickly. But I know I have to go back in there at some point. Just not today.

Underwear.

A bit more than a year ago my relation to underwear was basically non-existing. I was wearing underwear of course, but it was really just a necessity. Then I met Sophie, and my life changed. Sophie is for sure the queen of underwear and her enthusiasm and knowledge has during this last year truly rubbed of on me. To the point where I'm not just able to buy underwear all on my own or easily able to spend my whole salary on underwear, no I think I have reached the point were I can also pass on the legacy. I feel so proud of myself and of course very thankful to my Greek guru!

Dirty Dancing

I read this chronicle today that brought back thoughts I've contemplated over for a while. Annika Marklund writing about the concept of prince charming and basicly who he fucks up the minds of the female species. She's describing how Snowwhite was her favourite story as a child and of course prince charming is the ONE who brings her back to life. She draws the parallell to a more modern story, Sex and the City - the movie. A story that she means should be about woman friendships first and foremost but also ends up being about finding the one, and off course ends with Carrie getting her prince.

I don't have a special relation to the Snowwhite story and has not seen the Sex and the City movie. But I agree with Annikas argument. And there are so many more examples. Movies with love as a major theme are all around us and seem to be more aimed to and watched by girls and women. There are romantic comedies and romantic dramas that draw huge female crowds. I'm not saying that men don't see them or don't apprichiate them. Also I'm not saying that all women watch these movies or that it is the only kind of movie they watch. But I do claim that there are not many women of my generation that doesn't have a realtion to the movie Dirty Dancing. And not just have a relation but also consider it the ultimate feel good movie. Of course there are other movies that are more relevant for other generations but I'm quite sure the concept is the same.

So what is the thing with this movie? The movie about the young innocent girl from the nice family that falls in love with the hot under-class dance teacher. A love story that is not allowed to be, that struggles but, of course, win in the end when he stands up for her and shows the world that she belongs with him. "Nobody puts bay in a corner". Prince charming gives her life. A real life. Because the one she had before him made her fade away.

Thes are the stories we are fed with. From snowwhite in our childhood, through the teenage love movies that are favourites for the rest of our lives and to the more adult versions as Sex and the Cityor whatever we are watching. With this luggage, how can we be expected to have any resonable idea about relationships and love? Of course we don't expect a Prince Charming on the white horse or Johnny Castle to lift us high high in the sky. But still. The seed is planted and some times I wonder what effect it has on our view on how love should be.

Capoeira - the art of humiliation.

A few weeks ago we got the most meaningful lesson so far in capoeira class. Our teacher told us: "Capoeira is about humiliation". And the world started making sense. Capoeira is an martial art. An art that mixes movement, music and rhythm. To learn it is hard because all elements has to be there and they have to be there at the same time. You can learn the movements and still not do capoeira because the feeling is missing. Or the same goes if you just have a rhytm but doesn't know the capoeira moves. Therefor it is hard to learn and also hard to teach. At least to teach the way that we usually speak about teaching. You can not lecture how to find your own shinga, with your own rhytm. It has to come through your self. And it will come through trying and training. But the movements are difficult and tricky and when you are thaught new ones you feel like a stupid moron that can't understand anything.

And this is were the wise words apply. This is the point. To feel stupid is a part of capoeira, an important part. To go into the roda and play capoeira and do the moves even though you don't know them, even though every body is watching just you and you feel totally humiliated some times, this is how you learn! This is how you get better at capoeira. This fact is so true.

And this fact is freaking me out. I am not good with humiliation. I am a careful, thinking person that go trough life very aware of where I step. Humiliation and ridicule is not paths I put my feet on. I want shine in everything I do. This is why it took me very long to learn english. Or not to learn it but to speak it, because i refused to speak if I couldn't say it correct. But this is of course very stupid. I know that. I know that you learn to speak english through speaking it, or danish as well for that matter. But there's just this thing inside me, that holds me back. This little person terrified of humiliation. I have come a long way with this. The things I do now, the social and outgoing person that I've become is in some ways light years from the 16 year old shy girl I once was. And I'm proud and happy about that. But I have more steps to take, more work to do here. And it's for this reason that capoeria is the perfect activity for me. Because it makes me anxious. It shakes my walls and it is bringing one option only. If I want to keep up capoeira and get at least desently good at it, then humilation has to become my friend. And that is very very healty for me, that's for sure.