Stupid knee. Stupid body.

Some times I get really tired from all the troubles my body is causing me. Okay, I know I shouldn't complain, I am over all healthy and can do basically everything I want (at least most of the time), but when I think about the costs and when there are restrictions I get frustrated. And I seriously doubt I would have lasted 28 years if I was born 150 years ago.

At the moment I have an annoyingly stupid knee. It's apparently over worked some how and rest is ordered. This means no gym, no biking and no long walks. After resting I was walking a lot yesterday, and the pain is back. So now more resting and I most of all feel like screaming. I need to move. I need to walk. To exercise. It is driving me crazy not to be able to do it.

Aint no nice girl.

I am a running train heading for another collision. You are safer being out of my way.

Beliefs.

Imagine you have been scared to do something for a very long time because you haven't trusted that you would be able to do it. And then you finally start to think that, 'Hey, why should I let my fear hold me back? I wont know if is can do it or not if I don't try?'. It has taken you a long time to get to this line of thought. And you still have all the fears and doubts about your ability. And your standards for your performance is very high. And this makes the progress slow. But then imagine that all the people around you are encouraging you. That they think that what you want to do is amazingly great and they are all looking forward to see you do it. How do you transfer those word from being intimidating and pressuring to being encouraging and inspiring? This is for sure a luxurious problem, right...??

Definitions.

As humans we have a huge need to define and label everything around us and also our selves. One of the first thing we label people after is sex. It is very disturbing for most people if they meet a person that they can not define as man or woman straight away. Among the other main labels we give major importance we have ethnicity, nationality, age, line of work and civil status. I would say that most big crisis we encounter happens when we become insecure about how to label ourselves regarding to one of these things.

I've reached a point where I don't know what to answer to the question "what do you do?". Sure I can say that I'm unemployed, that's true. But it's not a good enough answer, not for the person asking, and more importantly not to me. When I started to form my identity I was a student. Then I was a book store employee for some years before I became a student again. While finishing my studies I became a marketing coordinator. And now I am nothing. I am not a marketing coordinator, and more importantly I don't want to be. So what am I? I am done with my studies, I have my Masters of Arts, so I can no longer be a student. I don't know exactly where to go from here. I am trying to find a path that seems good. With time I will. But not knowing how to define myself is hard and also sometimes stressful.

Sleep deprived.

I wake up feeling like a zombie. My head is heavy after numerous dreams depriving me of well needed proper sleep. I feel like I am heading towards waking up more tired than I was when going to sleep. It's just too much, to many nights, I just want to sleep good again!

Dean's car.

I've never cared much for cars. I do drive, because it's useful. I appreciate that some cars are more comfortable to drive than others. But I don't like cars for being cars. I don't even like to drive. I owned one car in my life. It was old and rusty and leaking something so much that you had to remember to refill it every 14 days. I loved that car. But the only reason I loved it was because it was my car. It could have been any car and I would have loved it. Probably it couldn't have been much worse then it was actually. But lately I have been catching up in the tv-series Supernatural and I've fallen head over heals in love with Dean's car. It is the coolest car I have ever seen. The shape, the blackness and of course the classic rock music that is playing on the radio all the time. It is a rock'n'roll car and I love it!

Dean's '67 Chevrolet Impal

Magnetism

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

In physics, the term magnetism is used to describe how materials respond on the microscopic level to an applied magnetic field; to categorize the magnetic phase of a material. For example, the most well known form of magnetism is ferromagnetism such that some ferromagnetic materials produce their own persistent magnetic field. However, all materials are influenced to greater or lesser degree by the presence of a magnetic field. Some are attracted to a magnetic field; others are repulsed by a magnetic field; others have a much more complex relationship with an applied magnetic field. Substances that are negligibly affected by magnetic fields are known as non-magnetic substances.

Distance.

The world has changed radically in a quite short time. Globalisation has made the world smaller and the possibilities for travel and even moving can seem endless for our generation. I view this as a huge advancement. To be able to encounter meetings with other cultures and people from many different countries for shorter as well as longer periods is an amazingly enriching experience. I have been lucky enough to have some really cool travel experiences and I have so far lived in two different countries. I have friends all over Europe and also some in other parts of the world. I consider my self very lucky this way. But meeting all these people from different countries also means long distant friendships. And I have a lot of people that I miss a lot. It is especially hard when some one you love, that is far away, is having a rough time. You know when you just feel like dropping everything and head over to your friend, with a bottle of wine and a bag of candies that you pick up on the way. And you just come over to be there, with that other person, so that they will feel that they are not alone. I love my international life, but I hate the distances that are a part of it. I want to demand that all of my beloved friend move to Cph this very instant, can I?

The path to take.

Some wise words from my darling brother:

"From Alice in Wonderland (free translated from my brothers email in swedish) Alice came up to a tree. There was an owl sitting in the tree. Behind the tree there were several paths leading in different directions. Alice stopped and asked the owl: what path should I choose? And the owl answered: What place is it that you want to go to? Alice though a while and then she answered that she didn't know - and the owl replied: If you don't know what place you want to go to, then you can choose any path..."

My brother ads his comment to this: "These are wise words - and also there's a talking owl - and if you're not gonna listen to a talking owl, then who are you going to listen too????"

Thanks for those wise words! I love you and miss you!!

Walking away.

I have lately, since early summer I think, developed the stupid habit of leaving with out saying anything. I leave parties or bars or just decide to walk the other way from everyone else. Of course always at night. Of course I happen to be drunk at all these occasions. From one hand this is a very annoying feature for my friends, many of them have by now been in the situation where they ask, where did she go? But more importantly I am the kind of person that worries a lot about others and especially when I can't get a hold of them. I would be extremely disturbed if a friend of mine was acting like this. So I have decided to work on this, to get back to normal. This weekend was better. I did leave again. But I did send a message about it. Since I of course couldn't realise that it would have been easier to just say, hey I'm leaving to the people I was with. Well at least a step in the right direction I guess.

The wheels are turning.

I remember how this year started. I remember my thoughts and most of all my hopes for this year. Last year was a weird year. There was a lot of things going on that wasn't really good. After a big high in my life the road started getting bumpy in 2008 and I was having trouble finding my course. But in some way most things cleared out and the year ended well. So when this year started I had the impression that the worst was behind me. I had some truly great things in my life and the areas that were not so good I had high hopes. That is how this year started for me. And from there it all went downwards. Big time. And I ended up here. With two months left of the year, in the realisation of that I'm having a life crises. And that realisation is actually kind of good. Because I have been feeling bad and wrong and haven't at all been able to make sense out of how it can be that I no clue about what to do with any part of my life. So to realise that I have a crisis is good. Because that means that it is nothing really wrong with me, or least nothing that can't get better. And I start to really see that. I can see some positive prospects for my future. I can start to think more clearly about what to do and how. I have a long way to go. But I also know that I do have some amazing people around me. And that they will help me if I just ask. This doesn't mean that everything will magically get better. There's no way all of my issues can be resolved and that I will get success in all the things that I want. But it means that I'm ready to start fighting for that success, to start working for it. And even though 2009 turned out in a completely different way then I had hopes and dreams for 10 months ago, well that's just how life works isn't it? We can't get all the things we hope for, or want. But that doesn't mean that the thing we get instead, some of which we didn't know to wish for, aren't some really good things.