Japanese girl.

I'm "japanese girl" on Skype these days. It started on a really bad day when I felt like the world was coming down on my head and I couldn't see how anything would work out at all. I saw unemployment waiting for me around the corner and the work load for finishing my thesis was an overwhelming pile that felt like it could never be worked through. But failure is not an option. The work is one thing. Unemployment is not failure. And I will find something, I know that. But my thesis. It has to be finished. To not finish it is a failure that does not excist in my world. I have discussed my thesis and how to manage to finish it with my mum a lot of times. At one point, in the early summer I think, she asked me why I didn't just drop it? Did I really have to finish it? I could still get a degree within the program and at the university I want to. It would be a bachelor instead of a magister, but still. For none swedes information I might add that in Sweden it doesn't matter if you have a bachelor, magister or master when you look for a job. All you need is a degree from a university, so a bachelor is quite enough. But back to the question, I started to give my mum a million of answers to why I have to finish it. And I ended up with the answer that I want to be able to work outside of Sweden and in other countries it is not enough with a bachelor. She agree that this is a good reason. But I think that she knows. She knows me well enough to know that even if that is one good reason, it is not the main reason. I have to finish the thesis because not doing so would be such be failure that I can not face it. I know this is stupid in a lot of ways. I don't how I have ended up with putting these high standards on myself. I have always done it and I am not the only one in my family that does it. The pressure of being good is never from the outside, it has always come from me. And I have at times practiced not to take things to seriously and to fail, at least a bit at things. Also my capioeria is a good part in this self development as I've written about before. But no matter how long I've come in this, it doesn't go away. And I'm starting to think it shouldn't. Being good is my drive, and trying to lower my demands might be a part of loosing my inspiration and drive in general. So I'm going to try to embrace it and revive it and to use it. Because it is a part of me. Every time I have an exam or a thesis for uni I feel inside that failure is not an option. Even all the times when I can not understand how I will manage to finish in time or write what I wount, not doing it is not an option. Failure would be to huge to disastrous and the only option would be harakiri. And since I will never take my own life, well then success is the only option left really.

Tänkvärt.

En mycket tänkvärd krönika som lätt gör att man sätter kaffet lite i vrångstrupen en dag som denna, efter all julklappshysteri precis utbytts mot reahysteri. Krönikan är från aftonbladet.se och originalet finner ni här.

(This entry is in swedish because it is a chronicle from a swedish paper that I want to share.)

Jag är ett lallande offer för köphetsen

Läs Per Bjurmans krönika från New York

NEW YORK. Dom trampade ihjäl Jdimytai Damour ute på Long Island.

För att det var rea på platt-tv.

God jul.

Redan timmarna innan black friday-rean – en årligen återkommande folkfest direkt efter thanksgiving – skulle starta var det trångt och oroligt utanför entrén till Wal-Mart-varuhuset i Valley Stream på Long Island utanför New York.

När öppning närmade sig, fem på morgonen, hade oron övergått i ren kalabalik. Trycket mot dörrarna var så stort att de till slut gav vika.

Butiksbiträdet Jdimytai Damour försökte hindra den veritabla buffelhjord som plötsligt vällde in i butiken, men slogs snabbt omkull. Sen rusade den flåsande, dreglande, vildögda pöbeln rätt över honom.

När krutröken lagt sig låg 34-åringen kvar på golvet.

Död.

Men kunderna hade förstås fått ett bra pris på platt-tv, parfymflaskor, tygnallar, digitalkameror och all annan skit man kan hitta på Wal-Mart.

Man borde vara förvånad, rent av chockad, men nertrampade butiksbiträden är förstås bara den yttersta konsekvensen i ett samhälle vars medborgare reducerats till blott konsumenter.

Kunder. Köpmaskiner.

Här babblas ständigt om Jesus och gud, men den enda religion amerikaner egentligen utövar stavas shopping. Varuhuset är kyrkan och det sedan länge övertrasserade kontokortet bibeln.

Så vadå om glaciärerna smälter, två krig pågår och ytterligare några familjer tvingas lämna sina hus i södra Kaliforniens Foreclosure Alley – låt mig bara köpa en ny skinnfåtölj på krita så är jag nöjd. Och budskapet uppifrån bidrar inte precis till avkylning.

Den amerikanske konsumentens köpkraft är som bekant själva motorn i världsekonomin, så när hela korthuset nu skakar går the powers that be ner på knä och bönfaller:

Fortsätt handla. Köp mer. Gå ut och shoppa. Please...

Det är för härligt.

Men look who’s talking.

Jag är själv ett av konsumtionssamhällets mest beredvilliga, lallande offer.

Jag har, till exempel, alla Sopranos-säsonger på dvd sedan tidigare. Men när serien nu sammanfattas i en fet, flashig complete-box så tycker jag naturligtvis att jag måste ha den också.

Den satte, lyckades jag intala mig, guldkant på den regniga, blåsiga julaftonen i New York.

Hemma hos Jdimytai Damours föräldrar var det antagligen inte fullt lika mysigt.

Per Bjurman

Anticipation.

I'm full of excitement and anticipation. After getting quite a lot back from my taxes in Sweden I finally decided to order the camera I've wanted for a long time. Now I just have to wait for the package to arrive (which will take way to many days...) and then I can play! :) So it's time to dig up the old stuff from the course I took, relieve my parents from keeping some of my materials and then get going with excursions! And this time I have interested and enthusiastic friends for company and inspiration. Yeay! Merry X-mas to me :)

And for my photo skills I would go with saying the same as for my pool skills. I'm not good, but I'm not terribly bad either. And I like it.

Christmas gifts.

I don't know how many articles I've seen during the last week with titles like "How to change your Christmas gifts - know your rights in the stores!" or "Christmas looser. Write and tell us about your worst gift!". It is shockingly depressing that the hysteria of Christmas has to be twisted even more by this kind of features. I mean come on! What happened to it is the thought behind it that matters? I know that there are so many families that are forced to make Christmas the peak of consuming to please their spoilt kids. And the spoiltness is not only the parents fault, even if they have a big part of it of course, but it is also the way our society is built up at the moment. But just because this is the way the world looks doesn't make it suck any less. I glad that my Christmas was relaxed, without the hysteria in any way. With some gifts that brought only joy. And still what made me most happy was the gift I didn't get, it was the thought of a gift from the person that I had not decided with whether or not to get one. That really made me smile. But sure, I'm a material girl in a material world so I also love my new silk cover.

Merry X-mas.

God Jul

to
all of you

from me;
the
crazy,
stupid,
hot,
lovely,
annoying,
smart,
funny
and swedish
girl

The day before the dipping day.

The day before Christmas eve. Tomorrow is the day. In Sweden we have the tradition of counting down to Christmas eve, which is the day that we celebrate, by counting towards the dipping day. It sounds totally absurd in English and honestly in my mind kinda kinky. But it has to do with both with historically practical reasons and old hedonistic traditions, the point is though that your dipping bread in a bouillon and eat it. And here endeth the history lesson.

The thing is that I'm a total x-mas sucker. I love it. But it's not the actual x-mas days that I love. They are nice enough but usually never as great as you feel they should be and they also mark the ending of all the nice things. Don't get me wrong. I like them. Especially this year will be nice and relaxed with my parents and my brother. And often of course it means some days of from work which is nice. But what I really love is the weeks up to x-mas, basically all of December. I love the lights in the city and all the preparations. I love the smell of all the candles at home and putting up the stars in the window. I love figuring out x-mas gifts for my loved ones (even though sometimes it's just a big frustration). I love the snow outside, which I'm used to for at least some parts of December, and the way it helps lighting everything up in these dark times. I love the stupid songs, the lucia celebration, the cookies and of course the glögg. I love taking up the decorations and putting them around the house. I love wrapping the gifts and making stupid rhymes for them. I don't know why I like all this stuff I just do.

And the peak of all of this is waking up on the morning of Christmas eve. I really love that. There's something in the air that morning. Of course as a kid I was so excited about the gifts in the afternoon and just waited all day for it. I used to wake up really early, since I couldn't sleep, and take my duvet and a book (usually something by Astrid LIndgren) and go in to the living room. There I saw the Christmas tree for the first time, my parents always brought it in and decorated it late the night before. I plugged in the lights and then I crawled in sort of behind it so I could sit on the floor with the radiator under the window towards my back, all wrapped in to my duvet and there I would sit, reading my book and smelling the tree until the rest of the family woke up. That moment is x-mas for me more than anything, and also the reason to why I love x-mas trees.

Tomorrow I will wake up to x-mas eve at my parents place. There will be a tree and some nice times. I will probably sleep the longest though so no books and duvets under the tree. And then I will go back home and in the end of the week I will gladly put all the x-mas stuff away and I will be so happy over having the apartment clean of all the stuff. Because I do love Christmas but I don't dwell in it. Enough is enough and there will always be another one next year.

Soon...

Long lost favourite.

Wild Child

Alone or lonely.

Second day totally alone. Today I at least went outside. Was forced to take a walk to the supermarket since I was running out of Coca Cola and toilet paper. Of course the seriousness is obvious. Stepping outside was weird. Okay I realise my patheticness. I am writing like it would be "my 133 day trapped on this desert island... utan snus försmäktar jag på denna ö..." But since thursday and friday I was totally hang over and dead tired and not really in contact with the people around me and since I up until a few hours ago hadn't showered since thursday night I sort of felt like the trapped on an island person. Alone, looking like shit and probably not smelling very good. Stepping outside made me realise a shower could be a good idea.

I don't know if there's a point to all this. Alone can be really nice. It is actually. To just go around at home on my own. Doing whatever I want without caring. And being able to focus on my work. All very good things. But being alone borders to being lonely. Or maybe I'm not lonely. Maybe I'm jsut envious of all my friends being away having loads of fun with friends and family and I'm stuck in cold Copenhagen and can't even step outside long enough to enjoy it since I have to stay inside and study. Yeah, that's probably it. That makes sense.

Those were the days.

Oh the wind whistles down
The cold dark street tonight
And the people they were dancing to the music vibe
And the boys chase the girls with the curls in their hair
While the shy tormented youth sit way over there
And the songs they get louder
Each one better than before

And you're singing the songs
Thinking this is the life
And you wake up in the morning and your head feels twice the size
Where you gonna go? Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna sleep tonight?
Where you gonna sleep tonight?

Time.

The way we perceive time is an interesting matter. The time it self is constant. The concept of time is of course an arbitrary agreement, but since the agreement is made, the concept is there and solid. But our perception of time is varying depending of many variables. I have 3 weeks coming up. 3 weeks in which I have to finish my thesis. In this perspective these 3 weeks are nothing. They are like a wink of an eye and it is stressing me out. It is also 3 weeks until I see my baby again. And from this point of view 3 weeks feels like an eternity. It is the same amount of time and even the same mind dealing with it, and still these oppositions rise. And I am reasonably sure that I'm not alone with this kind of thinking.

By the grace.

Hey girl,
you'll land it.
You've got supplies
if they demand it.
You've got the looks,
and the glamour,
Cut by the chisel
and beat by the hammer.

No one's gonna do it for you.

It's bound to be hard to be her
But it seems she's the best part of hell

Circle of salt in the candle light
Breaks softly in the breeze
The demons stayed back by the freezing night
Guilded dawn broke through with ease

You want it bad you want it oh so much
There are some things that you should know
Some things that someone like you just cannot touch

You weep and dwell on our loss
Stand denied by the nails in the cross
And I for one you for two
Knows no one's gonna do it for you

3 days.

I'm working my last day on Friday. After that I'm unemployed. It is not the biggest deal ever. I had to go because of changes in the company. I have got a lot of people telling me what a good job I've been doing and I will get some nice references. Even though the financial crisis is hitting Denmark is still a good market for job hunting. And soon I will have my swedish master degree. I am applying for a lot of jobs and also considering some other options. I am not worried that I will be without work for very long. And until then I have a-kasse and I always have a wonderful family to back me up. I would never stand alone in case of a big crisis. But still the words are fucking scary. Three days from now I will be unemployed.

Lost part 2.

I feel numb. And I've felt like this to long. My inspiration and joy when it come to work and career is long gone and it is bringing me down in ways I didn't expect. I'm not totally naive and stupid. I know that work is not always play and fun. And I know it is some times something you have to get done. But that should not be every day. You should not have only bad days and okay days at work. And you should not go to work feeling numb and careless about it. There should be days that going to work is a source of excitement. There should be a feeling inspiration that brings a drive for what you do and to do it better. And I was like this. I was driven and ambitious and hard working. But I lost it and it is scary. I don't know how to get it back. I don't know how to feel the inspiration and drive again, how to get it back. It scares me because I think it takes active actions and I'm out of energy. I've been not caring so long that I don't know what to care for any more. Some times there seems to be a light in the end of the tunnel, but it disappears before I'm sure it is there. The times I sense it I feel hope, but when it's gone I slide into despair to easily. And I look at my self when I'm in that place and I'm embarrassed to be connected to person. That person is not me and I don't know where she came from and how to get rid of that pathetic idiot. I need to take action. She needs to get the hell out of my life, because I don't want her here anymore. But I doubt my success. And it scares me.

Lost.

These days drift on
Inside a fog
It's thick and suffocating

How can I be lost,
If I've got nowhere to go?
Search for seas of gold
How come it's got so cold?

How can I be lost?
In remembrance I relive
And how can I blame you
When it's me I can't forgive?

The phone jungle. Possibly part 1.

I've been lucky. I've had a job that has paid for my phone. Great in so many ways obviously. And since my employment will end the last of December, so will this benefit. Fair enough. Hopefully I will find a new job soon and the paying of the phone bill is not the issue here. The issue is that I have to decide what phone company I want. And it's a crazy wild jungle. I took a first peak yesterday and ran of hiding very quickly. But I know I have to go back in there at some point. Just not today.

Underwear.

A bit more than a year ago my relation to underwear was basically non-existing. I was wearing underwear of course, but it was really just a necessity. Then I met Sophie, and my life changed. Sophie is for sure the queen of underwear and her enthusiasm and knowledge has during this last year truly rubbed of on me. To the point where I'm not just able to buy underwear all on my own or easily able to spend my whole salary on underwear, no I think I have reached the point were I can also pass on the legacy. I feel so proud of myself and of course very thankful to my Greek guru!

Dirty Dancing

I read this chronicle today that brought back thoughts I've contemplated over for a while. Annika Marklund writing about the concept of prince charming and basicly who he fucks up the minds of the female species. She's describing how Snowwhite was her favourite story as a child and of course prince charming is the ONE who brings her back to life. She draws the parallell to a more modern story, Sex and the City - the movie. A story that she means should be about woman friendships first and foremost but also ends up being about finding the one, and off course ends with Carrie getting her prince.

I don't have a special relation to the Snowwhite story and has not seen the Sex and the City movie. But I agree with Annikas argument. And there are so many more examples. Movies with love as a major theme are all around us and seem to be more aimed to and watched by girls and women. There are romantic comedies and romantic dramas that draw huge female crowds. I'm not saying that men don't see them or don't apprichiate them. Also I'm not saying that all women watch these movies or that it is the only kind of movie they watch. But I do claim that there are not many women of my generation that doesn't have a realtion to the movie Dirty Dancing. And not just have a relation but also consider it the ultimate feel good movie. Of course there are other movies that are more relevant for other generations but I'm quite sure the concept is the same.

So what is the thing with this movie? The movie about the young innocent girl from the nice family that falls in love with the hot under-class dance teacher. A love story that is not allowed to be, that struggles but, of course, win in the end when he stands up for her and shows the world that she belongs with him. "Nobody puts bay in a corner". Prince charming gives her life. A real life. Because the one she had before him made her fade away.

Thes are the stories we are fed with. From snowwhite in our childhood, through the teenage love movies that are favourites for the rest of our lives and to the more adult versions as Sex and the Cityor whatever we are watching. With this luggage, how can we be expected to have any resonable idea about relationships and love? Of course we don't expect a Prince Charming on the white horse or Johnny Castle to lift us high high in the sky. But still. The seed is planted and some times I wonder what effect it has on our view on how love should be.

Capoeira - the art of humiliation.

A few weeks ago we got the most meaningful lesson so far in capoeira class. Our teacher told us: "Capoeira is about humiliation". And the world started making sense. Capoeira is an martial art. An art that mixes movement, music and rhythm. To learn it is hard because all elements has to be there and they have to be there at the same time. You can learn the movements and still not do capoeira because the feeling is missing. Or the same goes if you just have a rhytm but doesn't know the capoeira moves. Therefor it is hard to learn and also hard to teach. At least to teach the way that we usually speak about teaching. You can not lecture how to find your own shinga, with your own rhytm. It has to come through your self. And it will come through trying and training. But the movements are difficult and tricky and when you are thaught new ones you feel like a stupid moron that can't understand anything.

And this is were the wise words apply. This is the point. To feel stupid is a part of capoeira, an important part. To go into the roda and play capoeira and do the moves even though you don't know them, even though every body is watching just you and you feel totally humiliated some times, this is how you learn! This is how you get better at capoeira. This fact is so true.

And this fact is freaking me out. I am not good with humiliation. I am a careful, thinking person that go trough life very aware of where I step. Humiliation and ridicule is not paths I put my feet on. I want shine in everything I do. This is why it took me very long to learn english. Or not to learn it but to speak it, because i refused to speak if I couldn't say it correct. But this is of course very stupid. I know that. I know that you learn to speak english through speaking it, or danish as well for that matter. But there's just this thing inside me, that holds me back. This little person terrified of humiliation. I have come a long way with this. The things I do now, the social and outgoing person that I've become is in some ways light years from the 16 year old shy girl I once was. And I'm proud and happy about that. But I have more steps to take, more work to do here. And it's for this reason that capoeria is the perfect activity for me. Because it makes me anxious. It shakes my walls and it is bringing one option only. If I want to keep up capoeira and get at least desently good at it, then humilation has to become my friend. And that is very very healty for me, that's for sure.

To censor or not to censor.

Some recent comments on my blog has gotten me thinking. I am the moderator of my blog and I chose which comments are published and which are not. There has been times when I have chosen not to. But those times has been because the comment is totally irrelevant to what I've written. Because in general I believe in freedom of speach. I believe in everybody's right to state their opion and I don't want to ban comments just because they are disagreeing with my point of view. With that said though, I also want to say that I don't want to post comments that are offensive. The line here is of course a fine one, but I think that comments that border to offensive are usually quite obviously lacking any sustainable materia in them. And I hope it is also clear to my readers when commenters have opinions about matters that they actually know nothing or very little about. And of course, even though it is in a democratic spirit to be allowed to air your opinions anonymously, it to me personaly gives more credability to an opinion when somebody choses to stand behind it. So the bottom line here is that I aim to post as much as I can when it comes to comments, and I anyone would feel offended by something on my blog, I hope you'd inform me of that, because we all have different way of seeing things and writing should be an open dialogue, but never a place of fear or bad feelings.

Silly.

A normal chat. Work. Plans for the evening. And a filaaaki for good bye. And I can't help smiling and a warm feeling is spreading inside. Silly. But in a great way. :)

Pitch black.

It's 16.14 in the afternoon and the world outside has gone pitch black. Winter time in Scandinavia. Snow has been falling again today and together with the snow from a couple of days ago it lies covers some parts of the ground. The fact that it's staying and not melting int to water when it hits the ground tells me it's cold outside. In Stockholm this would not be that cold, and this would not be considered a lot of snow. But for Copenhagen I feel obliged to claim both. And a thought just hit me. Why live in a cold and dark country like this? All my life I've claimed that I live here because it's were I was born and therefor have my life, family and friends. But I realised that it doesn't work as an explanation any more. I moved. Abroad. So I could have gone anywhere. But I moved to another Scandinavian country and here I am still in cold and darkness. But I guess this is life. To be hit by beauty and fall in love. And those feelings can not be controlled. And I'm in love with Copenhagen still. And at least once a day her beauty hits me and fills me with joy. And I'm i love with the beauty of white winter days and never ending summer nights in Scandinavia. So I am not complaining. Just stating the fact that my clock show 16.21 and outside my window is solid darkness.

Good behaviour.

I've come to realise even more how much nice behaviour and respect matters. To think one step further and not take for granted that every other person in the world is there for your every need and wish. We are grown ups people. Not kids. Think about it. That's all.

I still belive.

Sometimes you get news that are just hard to take in. News that feel so unexpected that you don't really now even how to start sorting out all the thoughts and feelings that are flowing over you like a huge wave. Of course you realise that this time is not about you and that all those feelings of sadness for your own reasons should be put aside and that the people actually in the centre of the action are the ones that should be considered. But it's hard when that big sadness hits you and the reasons for it are so many and among them is of course a wish for happiness for people that you care about.

I got these kind of news today and I don't know what to do. I got the news that a couple really close to me are breaking up. I didn't expect this at all. This couple was for me one of the reason for believing in love and in functional relationships. They seemed to have that balance between their life together and their own lives figured out. They seemed to care for each other and show it. And maybe they did. But apparently it wasn't enough. Apparently something was missing. I love these people, they are amazing persons both of them. And therefore these news makes me sad on so many levels. I'm sad that the image of love that they gave me turned out not to work. But more importantly i'm sad that they are sad. Even though this is a common decision it is of course a loss that needs to be mourned. And also I am sad because it might mean sort of loosing one of them. Which really really sucks. And I feel stupid being sad, i'm not the one breaking up. But I am and I can't help it. But I still believe in love. For them. For me. For everyone.

New finding.

It's just funny. That's all.

A little bit excited.

I'm job hunting. Since I about two weeks ago got the information that the last of December my position seize to exist I have been on the look out for a new job. This job I had was my first job after my university studies and I have learned a lot during these months. I'm still not entirely sure what I want to work with though. And with this turn of events the to opportunity try something a bit different has presented itself. And it is kind of exciting. Looking through the job sites a couple of times every day doesn't pay of every day, or even every second day. But then all of a sudden there's something that catches my eye, even though not always on the first look. But then it's is there. And after two weeks I have applied for four jobs. Four interesting jobs. Related to what I have studied and to my work so far in different ways. But still, all of them something new. It is a little bit exciting...

On friday the swedish invasion will arrive. Also exciting! It will be intense but a lot of fun for sure. A little bit exciting!

Saturday will be the day of an unexpected return. So great, so cool, and defenetly a little bit exciting.

And of course. Silly and happy with hunky guy. For sure a little bit exciting. For sure a little bit Lykke Li.

Thesis.

Stay home. Work hard. Get it done. That's all.

I bike Cph (aka. the rain)

Copenhagen can in many aspects be considered the perfect city for biking. The landscape is flat which makes it possible to bike long distances without getting totally wiped out and it is always possible to choose your own tempo. The politicians of Copenhagen are putting a lot of effort and money in to making biking easier and safer all over the city. The traffic in the city is very much adjusted to the biking population. There's just the tiny detail of the huge amount of rain that falls of the city. And I don't like biking in the rain.

I bike Cph (aka. blowing in the wind)

Copenhagen, the city of biking. Every day it is biked more than 1,1 million kilometres in Copenhagen and about one third of the population of Copenhagen bike to and from work and/or school (kk.dk). I am one of them. I take my bike to work, to capoeira, to friends and to parties. And I love it. With my new professional pink bike it is of course more awesome than ever. But there's so much more. There's the freedome of getting anywhere any time you want. And to get to know all parts of the city. Of course it's the same with walking or driving. I love walking so nothing against that, but it is a lot slower. And driving in a city centre can actually also be slower at times, at least it is more complicated finding the way. So I'm on my bike, enjoying CPH up close.

Today was not the mest conditions for biking though. I was really windy! I don't think it can be completly understod if you have not experineced it. But making a turn and feel like you are hitting a wall is not so nice. You struggle as hell to move forward and you basicly have very annoying pedestrians passing you by. Or you're on a bridge and the wind hits you from the side and you wonder if the traffic news missed to extend the warning about hard wind for cars on the big bridges to also include small girls on pink bikes on any bridge. But of course if the wind is in you back you go very fast! Weeeeeeee!

Restrained.

I've had no wish to write for a while. Every time I sit down and think that I should write something all ideas and all inspiration fly away in an instant. I've had things in my mind to write about as always. But I just can't transfer them in to words at the moment. I feel held back. I know that I am writing for me, and I usually do. But the knowledge of my readers is still there in the back of my mind and as I have at times before I find that knowledge restraining me at the moment. The interesting aspect is that it seemed easier to be open and putting myself out there when I was unhappy. That's stupid. To me it is stupid. I am happy and want to scream it from a mountain top. But I'm scared. That if I scream it would go away. And I would be standing there with the echo of my scream but without reason for my words. I'm scared that the loudness of my joy would be to much and would make you run. And I hate this fear and I hate this feeling of restraint. So I want to write, as I always have, what is on my mind and in my heart. And if anyone can't handle it, if anyone doesn't want this kind of insight in me, then stop reading. Then this blog is not for you. Because this is me. This is the way I write and the way I open up. And it is not necessary to read this blog to be a part of my life. There are many other ways to get to know me and know what is going on with me. And this is never all of me. It is bits and pieces that I chose the share. This is things that matter somehow, some times in their insignificance. This is my space and I will write what is on my mind. Again. And what is on my mind right now is you. And that you're mine and that I'm happy. And that when you send me a kiss online I smile for a long while. And I don't know anything about time or future. I just know, right now, right here, I'm smiling.
And I have realised that it is way harder to find songs about happy love than unhappy love.

Darkness.

I hate the darkness of fall and winter. Unless you have holidays and can spend all day and night in bed or on the couch it is just bloody awful. The lack of light just drags the energy away and at 5pm when the dark hits you're just dead tired. I know it comes with the long long summer nights, that it's a part of the package, and I love them! I'm really not looking for any sort of trade here. But still. It's dark and I'm so tired. And it sucks.

The Bitch.

Considering my last entrance and the unexpected, but very nice, meeting I had today I guess some self reflection might be in order. I wrote it. Be empathic. Think a bit more about other peoples feelings and try a bit harder to make an effort not to hurt people around you. That was what I called out for. That doesn't mean that I have always been doing this the right way. I've been a total bitch at times and there has even been moments I've enjoyed it. And I've really enjoyed doing whatever I feel like, without caring. I've been single and I have taken the time to retrieve me, to care about me and what I want. And it's easy and it's fun and sometimes things get out of hand and then you find your self standing looking in the rear mirror, realising that maybe somebody got hurt here. That was never my intention. I can't say that I regret my choices. I can say that maybe I could have done some things differently to be a bit more caring. Some people has meant more to me and others a bit less, but in spite of all I wish happiness to all.

Except the drunk jerks at Moose and similar places that actually just deserve the bitch.

Pissed off.

What the fuck is wrong with people? What is wrong with so many human beings and the way they go around behaving to each other? Is some respect and common politeness that much to ask for? Is the human world now and forever doomed to this? I know humans treat each other in sick and twisted ways, it has always been like this. Horrors of war, torture and rape. Of slavery and inhumanity in so many ways. I don't know why but these actions has always been connected to a mass of unknown others in my mind, probably because of a sense of protection. Because the realisation of that the executors of any kind of inhuman horrors could be anyone around you is for sure enough to make you mind start running towards insane. And most of us claim to be speechless when facing this in-comprehensive evil. But still I look around and I see shockingly childish and mean behaviour in my everyday life. And the big evil seems a bit more close. Come on people! If anything is ever going to change we need to start at the bottom. We need to start treating each other with respect. And we need to stop taking out our own old fears on the people around us. Maybe not the easiest but we need to try or the world will never change. And we should start with empathy for the people around us. Think one more moment about what it is like to be in somebody else's shoes. Understanding for others feelings and opinions will take us the first steps on the way.

Batizado.

I'm at home finally. On my couch, just finished watching Bridget Jones getting her Mr Darcy. My body and mind is on a level of tired that it hasn't been on for a long long time. There were training camps and football tournaments years ago that made me feel like this. And I have realised I've missed it. I've missed the intenseness of a training camp. The gathering of so many people of different ages, sex, nationalities and cultures, all sharing the same interest. I've missed working my body so hard that it aches. And I'm so happy to have found an activity with the social part as well that I get to share with old and new friends.

This weekend of capoeira has thought me so much. The masters and contra masters holding our workshops has been just amazing. I've really found something essential in my capoeira base. I feel i've started to find my feeling in the movements and also a bigger comprahention for the game in general. And I'm offically initiated to the caopeira world... I know this is supposed to be a big deal, and I really don't want to in any way seem disrespectful (because i am really not) but I it is not what I mainly will take with me from this weekend. There has been so many amaxing experiences that I have had and that I have learned from. I do have to admit that I am somewhat curious of my capoeira name. I guess I have to get back with that when I know it.

Over and out from dead tired swedish capoeirista.

Batizado coming up.

After my first training with the professional white pants the feeling of nervousity for the upcoming weekend is bigger than in a long time. But it is a positive nervous feeling. Like before an important football game and you know that these moments will matter. Or before starting something new, a nervousness about something unknown. So it's the nervous excitement of the big unknown ahead. But I believe it is going to be great! So much fun, so much learning and so many nice people. And all in the white pants.

Dinner.

1 double sandwich with cheese, salami and cucumber
2 pieces of knäckebröd (hard bread) with tzatziki
1 sandwich with nutella
1/2 glass of apple juice
1 glass of orange juice

some people call me crazy... i think i'm just special :P

Tired.

I'm tired. And it's annoying.

Here we are.

From underneath the trees, we watch the sky
Confusing stars for satellites
I never dreamed that you'd be mine
But here we are, we're here tonight.

Happy birthday Lina-babe.

Happy birthday my sweet darling! My fierce cool babe with the angelic face. So many fun moments of surprised people have come in your company! Have the best day ever! I miss you!

The road we walk.

The roads we walk. Sometimes straight on sometimes turning in a crossroad. Sometimes the road ahead is quite clear and might even seem predictable. Sometimes we found ourselves in a situation were we can keep going on that know road or chose to take another road. A road that leads into something unknown. I think most of us have stood there some time. And I think most of us have chosen the unknown at least once. I know I have, and I hope that most people have. But no matter which ways we chose there are also twists and turns of life that we can not predict. They just occur. For good and bad these unexpected things hit us with joy or sorrow. And we stand there bewildered not able to understand what happened. In the moment of sorrow asking for answers and explanations. In the moment of joy just thanking that lucky star of ours. So were is this going? It's is just a reminder to that life is short, and filled with uncontrollable events. So just enjoy the ride! Do sit back. Go out there. Do things! Act! Chose! When unexpected sorrow hits you, grieve and learn and cherish the good memories. And when your life is filled with joy be happy and smile!

Challange me.

Thank you thank you darling for your time and your opinions. I hate to be questioned and to be forced to revise what I have written. To think more and again and do over. But I love the result that comes out of it. I love your mind and the way you challenge me. I love you so much my sweet sweet darling and if there are seconds that I regret moving from Stockholm, they spring from thoughts about you. I still think we should be co-professors in Jack Sparrow! Morgonsoffan here we come!

Reflection.

I like to lye down on my couch with the computer on my stomach and watch a tv-series, check my mails or talk to my mum, basicly just relax. I like the warmth from the computer on my body. Is that very weird?? I just realised that maybe it is...

My sweet darlings.

A long weekend with so much wonderful. Guest after guest arriving. Or more accurately friend after friend coming back. I realise how much I miss you and the life we had when you are here. The nights at Studenterhuset or at Moose and all those wonderful wonderful dinners. Just hanging out, chatting and totally being our selves. Fuck I miss it. I know that the life we had is gone. We can never have what we had again. I don't believe we will manage to combine our lives and dreams to the same geographically place again (or maybe when we're really really old, lets all move to a retirement home in Florida or something, that would be awesome!). But no matter what we will always have eachother and we will have these reunions. And they are amazing. It is so much fun. And it is so natural, so realxed, so me and us. Nothing is complicated or wierd. Nothing is cramped or to much. And we are the party queens. We are Sophie bitches, and we are pround! I love you all and I enjoyed these days so much! Next time back to Bremen! I can't wait...

So awesome.

Just hanging out in my room. Maija next to me on the couch. Kat and Gerhard on the bed. Dario on the other side of the table. Hanna keeping Sophie company in the kitchen. Some beers. Some wine. Just so natural. So not weird at all. But still SO AMAZING!! I'm just happy happy happy and more is to come and the party is coming up!

WOHO! :P

It has begun.

According to my darling flatmate, aka. the small annoying greek thing, it is four more days until her life ends. For me it's four more days until an awesome party and until she will stop harassing me constantly to find out all the secrets. But I think my life will be a bit easier from now, because today it has finally started. Around 10.30 Hanna arrived, giving Sophie quite a shock and defenetly a happy surprise. So she's entertained for a while... but baby this is just the beginning...

A danish winter jacket.

Finally feeling better. Thank you Claire for stirring up my mind and question me. I really appreciate it.

Anyway. Another matter is my shopping. I went out yesterday to get some party tops. There are so many parties coming up, it's really crazy. But I didn't find anything! Or that's is not quite accurate. I didn't find any party tops. But I did find a danish winter jacket! This expression has risen some question among people I've talked to. So an explanation follows. I realised that when it gets to cold to wear my leather jacket I have nothing to wear. The next thing I have is my winter jacket, but it's way to warm here. I didn't even wear it once last year. But I was hit by the insight that I need a what I would call, in between jacket. So I went in to New Yorker and it was full of exactly these kind of jackets. At first I thought it was a bot weird. Cause when do you use these, a couple of weeks in november? But then I had another realisation. In Copenhagen this is the kind of jacket you wear the whole winter. In Stockholm it is an in between jacket for november and march, but here it's a winter jacket. Fascinating! So I bought a really nice purlpe jacket with a hood. I bought a danish winter jacket.

All at once.

In case someone hadn't noticed. When I see one thing negative I have a great tendancy to see everything negative.

But on thing is for sure. Something has to be done. And it's going to take hard work and some sacrifice. I hate that. I want the things I want right now, right here, just like that. I'm not patient, I don't like hard work or to give something up. But I know that it feels really good after getting something that way...

Insights.

Some times they just hit you. Some times they grown during time. And some times they get thrown in your face by a great insightful friend. Either way they show up and some times they are good and some times they are not so good. Like realising that you're not very happy at all with you life situation. A situation you thought were just fine. But the worst thing to hit me to day was the reminder of the lost of belief in my self. The lost of belief in my competence. How did that happen and when? I was not like this in Sweden. I was high performing and very confident about my academic and work related abilities. Then I moved here and I blossomed with my social abilities. Did that have anything to do with it? It sounds ridiculous saying that you can't have them both. I know that I'm good at a lot of things. But I don't know what the things I'm good at are good for. Or in which interesting way they could be useful. I feel stuck, useless and worthless. And I knew that I felt this way. I felt it earlier this year. I felt it with a restlessness and an urge for change. But I told myself that it was natural. That this is growing up. That this is leaving the student life behind and entering the working world. And others helped me see my life this way and I covered all these feelings up and I hid them away. And today they all came rushing back. And I don't really believe the things I said today. I believe the things you said. I believe I can finish my thesis and I believe that I can change my life and be happy about all parts of it. I just can't say the words at the moment.

IKEA day

Four hours was at Ikea today. A saturday of all days... But oh my go it was so much fun! We managed to:

• decide on a couch for Claire
• find an awsome crazy blue table for Claire
• Claire making good frineds with the table and finally deciding to get it
• to loose the note with the shelf number for the couch and the table
• go back an write the shelfnumbers again
• have food a break
• go trough the bottom floor very thorough
• realise that the legs for the table are way to short
• get out trolley for the couch stolen
• guard the last couches while getting a new trolley
• stand in a looooong line
• pay for all our stuff
• get the couch and the other stuff in to mum's car!
• have food break number 2
• go for a second look at talbes and legs
• realise that the legs were not to short but actually really perfect
• have a second talk to the blue table and then decide to get the table and the legs after all
• stand in a long line
• pay
• get the table at the special deliviery place
• get the table in to the car
• get all the stuff in to Claire's place
  

Just a really really great day!

Wonderful news.

Tompa has booked he's ticket to Cph! I can hardly believe and Sophie still says "yeah yeah I believe it when I see him here", that's how hard it has been to make this happen. But in one week from now he will come! I'm so happy! And we will have so much fun going crazy the swedish way in my dear Copes! WOHO!

SKÅL!

Silly dad.

I love my dad. Except that he's a great dad, he's just the silliest ever. I was looking trough the photo album I made about the Australia/NZ trip we made 10 years ago. On the last page everybody had written something. My dad ended he's otherwise serious words with "And it was also nice to get some sun on my beautiful body". So it's not my fault that I'm hot and that I go around saying it all the time! It's in my genes :P

Emotional hangover

I hate you. That's all.

Good morning.

I'm in my bed after the first night in our new place!

Something new.

I'm having my last breakfast in the apartment in Sydhavn. Today we move the last things and tonight we sleep in our new home in Nørrebro. Ι can't wait. It is time for a change, for something new. I have appreciated the time in Sydhavn. We've had a wonderful home here, and the time here has been a nessecary period of transition from an Erasmus-Copenhagen life to an everyday Copenhagen life. In away it's been a resting place away from the real world. But I think that we both are more than ready now, to get back in to town, to get back in to a life of activity, to get a new fresch start in a lot different ways. And that is what our new place stands for. It's an empty sheet and we can fill it with exactly what we want. We can keep all the best things from our Copenhagen lives and the rest we can leave behind. The feeling of a fresh start is an awsome feeling and I can't wait to get started with filling my room and my new life with the things I want in it.

Shower.

Cleanness is an interesting thing. I don't know about you, but when I'm really busy and stressed about something, like when I have an home exam, the last weeks of my theses or moving personal hygiene sort of falls on the priority list. You feel like shit any way, because of everything else so it feel like there's no real point in taking a proper shower and get the hair washed. I still remember exam week in january... But on the other hand it's stupid, because things always feel better when you're clean and smell nice. Anyway. Now I just stepped out of the shower, and I'm clean!

Birthday girls.

I think that today is the most birthday day of all to me. I have three friends with birthdays.

Happy birthday Claire!
Claire is the newest of the three friends, so it's my first Claire-birthday. I'm so glad to have met you. You are such a great person and so much fun! Thank you for being you Claire and thank you for giving me a more positive view on french people :)

Happy birthday Eva!
My german darling Eva! One year ago was an amazing day! Both weather wise and otherwise. I remember it was the first time me and Sophie came out to Øresund, to your place. We had these incredible yummy cakes and it was the first time we really talked to Anne. I think that this day a year ago was the starting point for the sluts and Sophie & her bitches. I miss all of you and those days so much. And Eva, yoyu are the cool one. You're smart and beautiful and so fucking cool about everyone and everything. Thank you for being you!

Happy birthday Sofie!
Of the three Sofie is the one I've known the longest. It's actually weird because we talked about it this summer, how long we've known each other and it's actually only 2 and a half years. Which seems ridiculous, it feels like I known you for ever. I have been through so much with you, you have been by my side for some of the biggest changes, descions and experiances of my life. I know for sure that all of it would have been much harder without you. And much more boring! I've had some of the most fun and ridicolous times ever with you! I only worry sometimes that you don't see your own greatness. You are an amazing friend, you are smart and beautiful and funny, you are honest and speak your mind, which are wonderful qualities and you are a great mum! I'm impressed by you and your achievements again and again. Thank you for being you!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRLS!

Second night on the couch aka. faith.

I'm sitting in my couch having breakfast. Because it's not just my bed that is out of use at the moment, it's everything. Except my dear old couch. The place is a total mess and we're both trying to keep our senses and not break down too much. But it's hard of course. It's a stressful situation. So things like not being able to open the childproof lock of the floor cleaning stuff can easily push you over the edge. In to hysteria and crying or laughing. And when bigger things come along, like a problem with the new place and hence facing being homeless in one week from now, well... apparently the mind is not really built to also think of toilet paper at the same time. But we're both in the same spot and we understand each other and this tension and we know it will get better soon. I'm trying to keep the faith. Which sounds really weird to me. But I do believe that things always work out for the best, the way they're meant to. I've written about this before because it's actually a paradox since I also believe we make our own paths in life by the power of choice. And I'm also aware of the arrogance built in to the statement "everything will work out as it's supposed to". It's a believe that is not that hard to have for someone in my position, of course. But whether or not my believes make sense has to be put aside at the moment. Right now I need to think that everything will be fine. We both do or I'm thinking there will be a bloodbath in Sydhavn very shortly. And nobody wants that.

Sleeping on the couch.

I recently woke up after a night on the couch. Getting up means trying to step through the mess in what used to be my room. I can't say it's my room anymore. The few things that are left are the big furniture and otherwise there's brown paper covering the floor and painting supplies all over. In one week from now I hopefully wake up here for the last time. I can't wait. I wish it was today. But first I have the week from hell in front of me. 7 days of work including a friday until midnight. A lot of things to get ready during those hours. And after work it's full time packing and cleaning at home. So, one day at a time. Today is monday and soon I'm off to work. We'll start there and hopefully the week is soon over.

Changes.

I finally found the name I want for my blog, so the address is now changed to: http://thecphchronicles.blogspot.com/
I hope you still found your way here.

Two no and one maybe.

The hunt for more tv-shows to follow continues. After this weekend I can sum up with:

• The Tudors: no. Bored after 5 minutes. Just not what I'm looking for.
• The Sarah Connor Chronicles: no. Okay series, but basicly the same thing as the movies. Hiding and running from robots, shooting and fighting with robots, keeping John alive... not interesting enough. Gave it about 25 minutes. Could have seen the whole first episode but didn't see the point since I don't want to follow it.
• Cashmere Mafia: maybe. I've seen the pilot and I do like it. It's of course very much following in the foot steps of Sex and the city and I never got hooked on that and I'm not sure that I want to see this kind of series. But I did like the characters. So we'll see.

As I've written before, Fringe is a yes. What I do want is a new series in the style of Gilmore Girls. There is Men In Trees, but it's quite unreliable and I don't even know when the third season is planned to start. Hopefully soon. Because even if it did loose a bit of the edge when Marin got her Jack, it's still a feel good series of high quality. I'm considering catching up on Criminal Minds, I always like it when I see it. And I also have hopes for the Joss Whedon show Firefly, which is supposed to be really good, even though it was cancelled really fast.

Fringe.

After finally catching up on Prison Break, finishing Heroes season 2, rejecting the Tudors after 5 minutes and one more week until the season premier of Grey's anatomy I needed something new to watch. I got my mind set on the new show Fringe. One of the men behind it is JJ Abrams from LOST so it felt promising. In the center of the series is the FBI-agent Olivia Dunham, the brilliant dr. Walter Bishop who spent the last 17 years in a mental institution and his son Peter Bishop with an IQ of 190 and a past that includes a lot behavoir balancing on the limit to froad. Dr. Bishops science is refered to as fringe science, pseudo-science and agent Dunham has to team up with him when she comes a cross a case that is something out of the usal.

After watching the double episode pilot and the second episode I have to say I like it. I like Olivia. And I think that the part of Peter Bishop really fits Joshua Jackson. Dr Walter is an interesting character in the edge in so many ways. There's of course a tension between Olivia and Peter, but very suttle so far since Oliva actually had a boyfriend in the pilot. I really like the Peter-Walter parts which are filled with a lot of different aspects. The lost father-son issue is of course of great importance, but also there's a great humour in the reactment between them. I'm looking forward to the next eposide on tuesday.

10 things I hate about you.

I hate the way you talk to me
and the way you cut your hair
I hate the way you drive my car
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind
I hate you so much it makes me sick
it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh
even worse when you make me cry
I hate it that you're not around
and the fact that you didn't call
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you
not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

Found it.

Back to the old one, for now.

Stupid me.

I thought it could be fun to do some layout changes on my blog. Great idea... now it looks like shit and I'm to tired to do anything about it. Bare with me people. It will change again at some point.

Sleep.

I could sleep so easily right now. This tiredness is all over me, all inside me. It's a tiredness beyond physical tiredness. It's a tiredness at mind and heart. A tiredness caused by stress and no place for rest. I love riding in a car in the dark. In the passenger seat. With someone close to me behind the wheels and music filling up the car. When I'm out for a short drive under those circumstances I always wish that we could just run out of the familiar areas, out on the motorway and just drive south.

Death magnetic.

I hold it in my hand. It's fed in to my itunes. Soon also to my ipod (yes, the pink one). And then I'll be expecting to smile for a long time. Heavy listening is required. And I will get back.

A blur.

Some times I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a roundabout. With the traffic surrounding me. Moving faster and faster 'til it all is just a blur. And I know I have to get moving. That I can't just stand there. I know I have to figure out which direction that I'm heading and how to get there, how to get though the traffic. At times it slows down. The blur is fading in to shapes and people and I think that now is my chance. I start to look for my exit, the way to continue my journey. But then the world turns faster again and I'm surrounded by the blur again. Everytime I learn something. I pick up some information, get a glimps of my heading and I'm a step closer to my way out. But the steps are tiny and I'm not a patiant person. And I stand here. In the middle of the blur with a growing frustration. And I wonder if life always was like this?

Tired and lazy.

I'm having a lazy saturday which always is nice. Lying on my couch. Watching some tv series. Checking facebook in between. Going to the kitchen for a cup of tea or the check out some hot guys outside the window. You know just relaxing. But i'm also a bit restless. I'm restless about being tired. About working fulltime and never feeling completly rested out. I'm starting to get stressed about moving. And all the things connected to the move. Liek the fact that i have total lack of motivation for cleaning my room since we're moving out soon, hence it looks like shit. Hence more restlessness... I feel like in transition. Waiting for the period of waitnig to pass and something new to start. Some of the new has started already. Some of it is coming soon. And for soem things it feels like the wait is going to be long and that's also starting to tear on me. But i small clean up of my room, a shower and some focus on the goods things that have started and this will end up being a nice day for sure.

Shopping.

I've been totally bored with my wardrobe lately. Like the way when everything just feels old, boring and uninspiring. Usually all it takes is to go out and get a few new things and everything feels fun again. So, today was a shopping day. Since Gina Tricot finally opened in Copenhagen that's we I headed after work. I ended up buying way more than I planned, BUT, since we SAVED so much money on not having to pay double rent when moving I afforded it and deserved it (my mind is truly brilliant when shopping is involved).

When leaving the store my Gina-bag was filled with:
- 1 black cardigan
- 1 black dress
- 3 singlet tops (black, white and pink)
- 1 rockish sleeveless top
- 1 sleeveless top with butterflies and nice buttons
- 1 white top with short sleeves
- 3 pair of panties
- 1 pair of pink leggings
- 1 black hat
Total cost: 849,-
= I'm very happy!


Still need:
- 1 or 2 new bags
- more colourful leggings/tights and socks to match with the dress

Still want:
- Boots/shoes for the fall and winter.

Boot from DinSko. I like!

Summer is no more.

I realised that the summer is officially ended today. It's September and the summer months flew by in incredible speed as I knew they would. It's been a really great summer! Even though august hardly counts as summer. Fall came upon us already the 2nd of august and my skirts and dresses stayed unused in my wardrobe. No hope is over for this year. I'm sure we have some really beautiful fall days ahead. Sunny and wonderful. But the wind has a different kind of edge in it that doesn't belong to the summer and the thinnest smallest clothes stay in the closet until next year, together with the bikini and the flip flops. I love the sun and the warmth so of course it's sad to realise it's really over. But still. I have high hope for this fall. I don't expect to reach the highs of last year, but come on that was the best time of my life and it's not really fair to compete. But I think this one very well could be a good second. We'll just see.

I went to my first capoeira class ever today. First impression: I really like it! I'll get back with more reports.

Dots.

Wisdom from Sophie:

Dots put an end to everything.

La la la la la she's got the look.

Yes! We got it! We got the fucking most perfect apartment ever! It's beautiful! It's in a perfect area! It's not unreasonable expensive. And we both just love it like crazy! All want now is to hold the signed contract in my hands. Or of course. Most of all I want the key in my hand and to move there right now. But okay, one step at the time. I can do that. I just so happy about this! And the stress is fading away. Tonight we celebrate good times come on!

Breakthrough?

Finally there might be some sort of breakthrough when it comes to finding a new apartment. I mean it's quite natural to start to really stress out about it when it has happened twice that a danish person looks at you like you're insane when you tell them that you've terminated the contract on your apartment without having a new one. So with a bit more than one month left until this apartment has to be emptied, cleaned and painted it's really starting to get to me. BUT tomorrow we are looking at three different places. In general they are all really great. Two are in Østerbro and one in Nørrebro. One of them is a bit expensive, one is a bit risky cause it's out for sale the coming three months and one of them the landlord want part of the money under the table. But okay. Nothing is ever perfect. They still feel promesing. And our favourite before actually seeing them is the risky one. It's really beautiful. It's big. It's a really nice area. It has 3 (!) balconies. And the landlord sounds like a nice guy. So we'll see what happens after tomorrow. Woho! Exciting! :)

Insight.

I would say that my weird mind mainly springs from me being very stressed over finding an apartment.

Weird mind.

Today is a weird day. Or today my mind is weird. Or okay I guess my mind always is more or less weird :P but still... Had quite a busy day at work. I´have also been busy looking for an apartment at every free moment. I'm starting get really stressed about finding a place. I love living with my flatmate and I'm really happy about continuing to do so, but we don't like the same areas in our beloved Copenhagen and that narrow our choices down quite a bit. At home my room still is not in order after the party. I've started working on getting rid of all the colourful spots that at the moment cover my floor. A nice left over from the confetti used for decorating. Reminder to self. no more confetti! And I know in the back of my mind that I should get some writing on my thesis done. It's not any weird things that are going on really. Sure there's a lot going on. Maybe some extra stressful things. But still. It's just this thing in my body and in my mind. It like I feel all numb and all restless at the same time. Of course I know some reasons for my restlessness. the annoying thing connected to that is the numb part. I'm getting restless for not being active enough. And I want to be active. I just can't make myself bother. And that is frustrating. But there's also something else. Maybe it's connected to the one year day coming up. On sunday it's one year since I moved here. And my life totally changed. And the change was in every way for the better. But at this point in my life I'm again in some sort of settled in stage, with the work and also the place we live (which is why I really want us to find a really great new place). I'm starting to question my life a bit. How do I want it to be? Also some resent events has gotten me thinking that maybe I do want things that I didn't expected that I wanted. If that makes any sense at all. Maybe it's just that there's a lot of changes at this time. A move. Finding new friends (even though I've met a lot of new friends, it's still in a new stage). Starting up a new semester in Copenhagen. The way I've done twice before, but this time things are different and I also want them to be. I don't want to do the Erasumus/exchange student life anymore. I want a life more connected to just living in Copenhagen, indefinatly. And I do feel like I'm on a path of getting that. I feel like there's a lot of good things about to start up. I'm for exampel so much looking forward to starting with capoeira next week, both for the activity and the people that are starting. But there's also complications to these new things. Some maybe because of me and others because of other reasons. But really. I don't know. I have a weird feeling today and I don't know if it's beacuse of all of this or if it's just one of these days when you feel weird. I have no answer just a feeling. And I hope that it's the cold in my body that makes the feeling this passiv. I hope that I can turn it around into acitveness and use the feeling for change to the better. Honestly. Why shouldn't I? Why should I feel like this? It's stupid. I have wonderful life. I have wonderful old friends in Copenhagen and all around Europe. I have met a lot of great new people. I am smart, fun, social, active and fucking hot so there's no reason at all to why I should have the most amazing life ever. Of course not every hour of every day. But in the big picture. For sure. Just fucking amazing in Copenhagen!

Birthday party.

Saturday was finally the day of my birthday party. And I really think it's a top three of best birthdays. The unofficial list of best birthdays (without ranking within them):

• My Copenhagen birthday party 2008. Great party with great people!
  
• My 25-year old birthday party in Segeltorp 2006. A great outdoor party with almost all my friends and family and my parents surprise appearance.
• My something-birthday (21st?, 22nd? maybe...) spent on the beach with Jimmy, Tompa and Lina.

Of course there's so many other great ones also. This year was the first one in Copenhagen which really made it special. My new life. And it did have some really great moments!

• Me getting totaly drunk even before the party started (okay not a great moment at all, i'm having an argument with myself about this). I partly blame Sophie for the idea of drinking rum shots.
  
• Eva taking loads of pictures with what she thought was my camera. It just turned out that it wasn't.
  
• Me getting an awesome pink rain jacket as a gift! Thank you!
• Me stealing sips of Stavros cigarets while trying to avoid Lipis seeing it.
• Dancing!
• Walking on my high heels for quite a long time. And putting them back on since someone broke a glass on my floor.
• Getting very angry on the people who drunk our hang-over Coca Cola.
  
• Crying. (A sign it was a great party actually)
• Eva being the coolest ever when asking me if I was okay.
• Dan being the sweetest ever being stuck with me not being okay.
  
• Waking up in the morning and finding a guest on the couch.
  
• Feeling and looking like shit the day after!
• Being happy happy happy for the great weekend with all my great friends!

Not alone.

No more lonely days or night at home. My flattie has returned! She brought food and gifts. Very good! Now have a new cute underwear set, a "quick greek for tourists"-book (now i'm going to be fluent in now time :P) and someone to tell me "now i'm tired of hearing your shit, i'm going to bed".

It's good to have you home!

Book worm.

I'm reading.

Sounds weird?? Haha yeah. Okay. I'm reading for pleasure, for fun, just enjoying it, standing-on-the-platform-waiting-for-the-train-hardly-looking-up-when-the-train-arrives-keep-my-nose-in-the-book-getting-on-the-train-reading. And it's been a long time since I read like this. I used to read all the time. I was kinda a late starter but when I did get started I really put my heart and soul in to it.

From the age of eight the library was for sure the place I visited the most. Carrying home huge piles of books. I loved walking down those isles. Considering what to choose next. In the library not all books had a front cover so I looked at the backs and the titles. What sounded interesting? Appeling? Quite soon the pile of four or five books that we usually checked out for the summer vacations were all read in one week. And with at least three weeks left to go my mum took me down to the library in the village of our summer house and signed me up there. I read everything I got my hands on. Loads of loads of Nancy Drew, the Narnia chronicles over and over, adventures, love stories and magical sagas.

In seventh grade I was a true book nerd. Me and my best friend spent every second of the breaks in school sitting next to eachother on a bench reading a book each. Of course this behavoir was not looked at in a good way by some people. There's always these guys I think. That just have to make trouble. In make case I think it really drove him crazy that I never cared. Maybe because I knew him from when he was younger and really nice. But anyway, he was a bully and I was a nerd. A nerd who didn't care about his opinion about it. The amazing adventures I experienced with my nose down my book was giving me so much joy!

When getting older the school literature takes over more and more. But after high school I got the job in a book store and it all came back. Books were basicly thrown in to my lap and I started reading again. The last years university has taken all the reading energy. But from time to time I pick up a book and just read for pleasure. Just throwing myself in to it. Bringing back that 13-year nerdy girl that prefered a book in front of parties or other teenage stuff. I'm sure my parents were relieved and my mum were wondering of who's genes I got.

Big girls dont cry. (yeah yeah i know...)

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do

My bonnie is over the sea.

I'm but a widow in port when my bonnie has left me for adventures on the seven seas. What to do? How to keep on?...

Oh well since the crazy chef actually hasn't gotten he's thumb out of his ass (as the nice expression says) and moved that ass from Stockholm to Copenhagen even once yet I'll keep managing on my own. And you deserve this adventure so much! It's going to be so amazing, I'm sure! You should be somewhere in Italy by now, maybe already on the yacht... so exciting!!! And when you'll get back I'll harass you like crazy 'til you get a Sthlm-Cph ticket!!! Just so you know...

My bonnie is over the ocean... my bonnie is over the sea :)

Min pappa är rik vill du hångla.

Again and again and again I fall completely in love with the swedish comedian Björn Gustavsson. He's brilliant in so many ways. I realise that he is more funny in swedish, but still, I want to share him with anyone who's interested so I've managed to find some clips with subtitles. Enjoy!

From Parlamenet a swedish humor tv-show:

Hate on internet

From the Swedish qualifications to the Eurovision Song Contest

Song to Carina Berg (the host of the show, Kristian Luuk's wife)



Björn gives the swedish votes in the Eurovision Song Contest